This is my life.
It’s been so good to read back through my blog entries, reminding myself of some of my life purposes, and the lens that I want to have as I go tripping and colliding through my one, glorious, over in a flash, life.
I see moments where I have thrown myself full throttle into ridiculous situations, believing I can conquer all and (minus some bumps and bruises), come out generally unscathed, with a fairly good sense of humor. I have had a mindset nestled in hope and led by optimism.
Perhaps it’s experience. Or perhaps it’s all the adult things that I swore would never be the decision makers in my life. You know…house payments, slowing metabolism, 401k’s, health insurance, acne as a grown up. Let’s face it adulating is hard, and the world is uncertain.
Transitions are hard. The times where you feel like your appendages are tethered to four racing stallions, booking it through the cactus infested desert….all in opposite directions. My legs get wobbly. And quite frankly, I think they do because somewhere deep down, I want to be a fortune teller. I want to be able to know every outcome and how it affects my forever. Why? Because somewhere I’ve become afraid. I’d like to tell myself that it’s because I’ve become wiser, or more cautious. No. The word is afraid. Afraid of pain. Afraid of difficulty. Afraid of uncertainty.
And then I read back to times in this blog where I’m sounding the battle call for all to rise up! Embrace the struggle! It will all be ok! It’s about the journey, not the destination!
All of those things I still believe in my head. But somewhere along the line, caution….no let’s call it what it is…fear, has very sneakily become the legs of my heart.
You lost me. This started with mousetrap. I can see the picture right there. Bold, primary, plastic pieces perfectly placed in my periphery.
Ah. Yes. (Very nice alliteration, by the way.) Mousetrap.
You see, I was talking to God about this very thing. This is how our conversation went, and thus, the connection:
God: Hey kiddo. I’m here. Don’t panic.
Me: So, uh…life. I feel up in the air. I don’t know which way is up and where I’m headed. I know you’ve led me to this place, but quite frankly, I don’t know what to do.
God: So you’re panicking because you don’t know the future? I get this concern a lot. I’ve got something to help with that. You ready? …..Mousetrap.
Me: The game mousetrap? uh…ok. Let me try to get where you’re going here. I need to take one step at a time, just like I would in setting up the board? Piece by piece. Ok. yeah, I get that.
God: Well…I like the step by step thing, but no.
Me: No? uh…
God: No, you are the mouse. I set up every single step. You sit. You wait. You be patient and know that I am setting up an exciting, beautiful plan. It is all behind the scenes, in the background. You cannot see what is happening, but in one swift moment, the plan will be put into motion and everything will connect seamlessly toward the place I am bringing you. But you, you must be patient. You must wait. You must confess your part in this…which is a small, little person, who really doesn’t have control of much. That fear you’ve been talking about…All the things you think you are afraid of. It comes down to control. You are afraid of not having control. Put that need down and trust Me. Life will become less of an assault and more like a child’s board game. Simple. Fun. Worth the time. Do you understand?
I so desperately want to understand. Better yet, I want it to seep down to where my little heart can stand on legs of trust instead of on legs of fear.
Thank you, God for this roof over my head and this home for my heart. Thank you for this body, and all the wonderful living and hugging it gets to do. Thank you for your provision over my life.
And thank you little blog for reminding me of where I’ve come and to where I am going.
This little mouse is going to continue to Live Bravely.